The eBid Alternative FAQ, by Kimbo!
A little light relief...
Part 1.
Q. Does anything ever sell on eBid?
A. No. Due to a strange configuration of wormholes in eBid Towers it is only possible to buy items, not sell them. This being the case you might as well give up now and just buy things. You are welcome to start with mine.
Q. Why do the PSU listing figures keep going up and down?
A. They're tidal. If you check the numbers when eBid's tide is out, the total will be much lower. If you look when eBid Towers is exactly in line with the sun this is a "spring tide" and it will be lowest of all. Come back later, it looks better at high tide.
Q. Why does eBid keep taking money from my account for my subscription?
A. eBid has been really sneaky here - they have used a meaning of subscription that is defined exactly as "subscription", thus sneaking a subscription past you by disguising it as merely a subscription. Clever, or wot?
Q. Why haven't I seen any advertisements for eBid?
A. They are invisible. eBid has a massive multi-million pound advertising budget, but they don't like to be brash, being English gentlemen of the the first water, so they have insisted on all adverts being invisible. Anywhere you see a blank space there is probably an eBid banner there.
Q. I haven't sold anything, what am I doing wrong?
A. Everything. Hope that helps. Have a nice day.
Q. Why-do-my-titles*get_split-into?chunks?eBid*WOW-puts-in-spaces-L@@K-that-are*not*supposed*to-be-there!
A. That's because eBid management are not insane.
Q. Why can't I put an auction start price on my item?
A. There are certain rituals you must follow in order to set an auction start price (as opposed to fixed price). 1. You must recite out loud "I implore the gods of eBid to look favourably upon my auction start price, all hail the eBid gods". 2. You must wear at least one piece of purple clothing and one of green. 3. You must stand and turn widdershins three times, while holding your left arm up with the fist clenched to look like an auctioneer's gavel. 4. You must de-select "run till sold".
Q. Why can't I see a thumbnail picture on my auctions?
A. The first 10 auctions you start with a thumbnail the pictures are displayed on www.hotchickswithnodrawerson.com in case you have accidentally selected the wrong pictures from your hard drive.
Q. My buyer hasn't paid, what can I do?
A. Do not send the item. Do not leave positive feedback. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200.
Q. Why is lifetime membership half the price in US compared to the price in UK?
A. Because the US is so much smaller than the UK. You could fit the whole of the US into West Sussex. If you moved West Sussex out of the way first, of course. There are only six people in the whole of America, and they share a computer. This being the case, it wouldn't be fair to charge them the full price.
Q. Where's my free t-shirt?
A. In the wash.
Q. I need to talk to somebody at eBid, how do I contact them?
A. There are two main methods. 1. Try screaming in the forums. Stamp your feet. Declare the site to be complete rubbish, the owners crooks, and theaten them with your invisible lawyer - that usually works pretty well. If that fails then... 2. Invest in a ouija board, and remember it's *one* knock for no, *two* for yes. Don't get those confused.
Part 2.
Q. I've been here ages and haven't sold anything!!!
A. That's not really a question is it? But while you're here... I appreciate that when you're only twelve a fortnight seems like a long time, but trust me when you reach my age you'll realise it's barely an eye-blink.
Q. Can you look at my stores?
A. Yes, thanks.
Q. Where should I list this stuffed camel?
A. I've no idea, but well done for letting us know you have a stuffed camel.
Q. How much is this stuffed camel worth?
A. I've no idea, but well done for letting us know you have a stuffed camel.
Q. Where's this stuffed camel from?
A. I've no idea, but well done for letting us know you have a stuffed camel.
Q. What sells best on eBid?
A. Stuffed camels, apparently.
Q. Why was my listing removed?
A. You listed a seasonal item, out of season. The owners of eBid are true British gentlemen, as was mentioned in part 1, and wouldn't dream of allowing the hoi polloi to sell out of season. That's worse than poachers. Floggin's too good for 'em. If you don't know when the season starts and ends for your item, buy Debrett's Guide - you can get it on Buddy Auction along with a tweed jacket and some good brogues.
Q. How do I migrate my eBay listings to eBid?
A. A fake marriage is probably safest. Don't forget to learn her favourite perfume, people always forget that one.
Q. What's Repatoo?
A. It's the sequel to Repa, made with a cheaper cast and a director you've never heard of. Don't bother, not even with extras on the special edition DVD.
Q. Why green and purple?
A. It's not. It's lime and blackcurrant. See how much nicer it looks now you know that?
Q. Why shouldn't I use ALL CAPITALS in my titles?
A. Server space is expensive and the BIG LETTERS use up more pixels and cost eBid extra to store. If you keep using CAPITALS all the time, they will have to start charging listing fees.
Q. How do I get my items into Google Shopping?
A. Practice. Oh, sorry, that's the punchline to a different joke!
Part 3.
Somebody has suggested that the real FAQ is too long, so here's a handy pocket-sized version to keep you working on those days when you just don't have time for proper help.
FAQ3 the fast food fries at the banquet of eBid help & support. Yum.
1 Selling FAQ
1.1 How do I list stuff?
Press the button and fill the form in.
2 Buying FAQ
2.1 How do I buy stuff?
Press the button and send some money.
3 After Sales FAQ
3.1 What next?
Pack it, send it, receive it, open it, play with it.
4 Other
4.1 My question hasn't been answered, what should I do next?
Read the other FAQ.
Part 4.
Q. How do I know who's watching my items.
A. You don't need to. It's Lucas North. You don't really think he's dead, do you?
Q. I've got this Bakelite toilet seat, what's it worth?
A. Ah, you sold all the stuffed camels then?
Q. Why hasn't my buyer paid any postage?
A. They're coming to collect. Put the kettle on.
Q. Why can't I see anything with bids on.
A. The management wanted to show bids, but a petition signed by 7,328,648 separate eBidders worldwide begged them not to do it, and they caved in. Rumours that the postmark on the parcel that delivered the petition read "Cornwall" are false. It was the will of the people. Oh yeah.
Q. How do I get my eBid T-shirt.
A. Enable your webcam 24/7 so that next time the boys are online they can check you out and guess what size you need. If you like snug fit you might like to suck in your stomach.
Q. How many people work at eBid?
A. All of them. Not a single dud.
Q. What link should I use to advertise my auctions elsewhere?
A. http://ebid-widgets-by-kimbo.ebid.net
Q. Isn't that *your* eBid link?
A. Good heavens, whatever makes you think that?
Q. Why am I being charged for Featured when I only ever use Gallery?
A. In this case Featured is an acronym, standing for Firefox Errors Are Totally Unfixed Requiring Extra Diligence.
Q. Should I go for Seller or Seller+?
A. Yes.
Q. How do I get on the Hot Sellers list?
A. Set fire to your trousers. Yes, I know, obvious joke, but it's been a long day,okay?
Q. Why am I getting "bad gateway error".
A. When was the last time you checked the hinges?
Q. I can get eBid to work, is it just me?
A. No, of course it's not just you. Why would it be just you? Did you look at the forum before you posted? There are twenty-seven separate threads complaining it's not working, eighteen of them also saying "is it just me?" If you look at the oldest thread it's been there so long it's metamorphosed into a discussion about who's winning the X-Factor and what their favourite chocolate bar is. Mind you, that only takes about twelve minutes on average...
Q. How do I use Repatoo?
A. I don't know, why don't you read the instructions?
Q. Why haven't any of my items sold?
A. You have three over-priced tatty paperbacks, a promo DVD you got free with the Daily Wail, and a pair of old trainers I wouldn't touch with a stick. What was your question again?
Q. Can eBid sellers show me how to do [insert marketable skill here], so I can do it too and set up in competition with them?
A. I don't know, can you find one with "schmuck" tatooed on his/her forehead?
Q. I'm not very technical. How do I use eBid to sell stuff?
A. Come back when you've mastered the toaster.
Q. What should I do about a non-paying bidder?
A. Be firm, polite and understanding. Then Kill Them.
Q. How do I search the forum for previous threads that might be helpful?
A. You will need: a torch; endless patience; breathing aparatus; bread-crumbs for leaving a trail, or a very long piece of string; GPS; an English to Gibberish dictionary; stout boots; a mental health specialist to certify that you are up to the challenge. Or just ask somebody, it's best, really.
Q. I'm a really successful seller on eBay with massive monthly sales, yet I can't sell anything on eBid,it's rubbish, isn't it?
A. I've checked your account on eBay (thanks for using the same ID) and you sold three card-toppers and a second-hand thermos flask last month. If you're going to big yourself up, hide your tracks better, Tonto.
Q. How do I ask a question?
A. With little precision and no thought for context, so that any smart alec with an FAQ can evade your real qurey and leave you looking like an idiot. But thanks for playing, see you next time.
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